Eagle Alliance Leadership Blog

I am a Harvard MBA and also a Yale M.Div. Although I left church work in favor of leadership development consulting, I still am very altruistic and want to make a difference by helping nonprofits improve their leadership.

Nonprofit leaders often struggle with leadership problems because they are not adequately trained. Very few have received formal leadership development. Most nonprofits cannot afford it, and foundations rarely give grants for leadership development. This is where you and I can help.

I am offering nonprofit leaders two ways to improve their leadership that you may tell them about. Select your favorite charities to benefit.

1. My free on-line weekly newsletter on Emotional Intelligence for Leaders. This gives short, practical tips on how leaders can improve their leadership through personal and interpersonal effectiveness. They may sign up at http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com

2. My public Tele-Workshop called Emotional Intelligence for Leaders and Professionals. Nonprofit leaders you select may attend on a generous sliding scale fee basis. Would your company care to make a contribution to them so they can afford this leadership training?

They can attend this Tele-Workshop via a series of telephone conference calls so there is no travel expense. They will improve a range of skill sets that will boost their communication and leadership abilities. Information about this Tele-Workshop is available at http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com/, scroll down past the Tips section.

What are the results? Your selected nonprofit leader gets better at leading, and you and I get the satisfaction of knowing we have helped a worthy person and nonprofit to function better.

Please forward this blog page link to your favorite charities: http://www.eaglealliance.com/2008/03/two-ways-to-benefit-your-favorite-charity/

One of the first steps in positive change is self-awareness, or mindfulness.

First of all, we need to be aware of what we really want and what gets in the way of achieving it. Very often the barriers to change are internal, or emotional. The more aware we become of our internal, or emotional state, the better prepared we are to make positive choices for change.

For instance, if we want to change a communication pattern with another person, such as expressing anger or impatience, we need to be aware of when this pattern happens. What is a typical situation? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What sensations arise in your body? Beginning to notice these things, without judgment, is the first step of change. Reflecting on past situations will help develop awareness for different behavior in the future. Then, developing moment-by-moment self-awareness when with that person would be essential.

You can practice this moment-by-moment self-awareness by doing the following exercise often throughout the day:

Mini-Mindfulness Meditation

Take a few deep breaths and become aware of your body. Feel the sensations of the chair pressing against your body, your feet on the floor. Notice your shoulders, chest, stomach – just observing how you are in this moment – any sensations of tightness or tension. You can do this with your eyes open or shut.

If you practice this little exercise often during the day when you are relaxed, it will become second nature to you to check in with yourself often. Then, you will be more likely to do it in more difficult situations, such as when you are triggered to react. If you notice your body tensing, your heart beating fast, your mouth getting ready to speak, you can just take a few breaths and take time to respond in a different way.

This gives you the freedom and power of choice, rather than acting out of an old habit.

By Kathy Murray

Re: Emotional Intelligence audios

You can get our Tips and insights into emotional intelligence in audio format.

Would you be interested hearing audio recordings of sessions of our Tele-Workshop series, “Emotional Intelligence for Leaders and Professionals?” You can download them in MP3 files to listen when and where you choose.

Our Tele-Workshop series is conducted as a series of telephone conference calls for your convenience. You can enhance your skills in emotional intelligence through my Group Executive Coaching and powerful peer coaching in a safe group. More information is at http://www.eagleAlliance.com/services/group-executive-coaching/

Click here to download the recordings: http://www.eaglealliance.com/ho/sa.

Hope you enjoy them,

Bill Murray

Writers in the field of emotional intelligence like to cite brain science research. A new book, by Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain, says that research shows that, as compared to men, women have “More brain circuits for communication, reading emotions, social nuance, nurturing skills…” (p. xix.) And on p. 119, “…the female brain is expert at: reading faces, interpreting tone of voice, and assessing emotional nuance.”

This research confirms the common view that women can handle relationship management better than men. If that is true, what are the implications for women managers and executives? One implication is that women who see themselves this way, as better in relationship management, should affirm this as a strength.

Of course, some women have no problem with a more aggressive, dominating style. That is fine for them. But other women have been imitating this traditionally male aggressive style in order to succeed in a male-dominated environment. These may need encouragement to build on their natural strengths in relationship management.

If they are in a corporate environment which does not view this as a strength, they can nevertheless find opportunities to cash in on their asset. Their goal is to multiply the places in which they can use their strength. They should look for situations where they can apply their relationship management strengths to the hilt to produce good results. Of course, with their own direct reports, they can seek out times to put their relationship skills into action.

What about men who supervise women managers? These men should also honor what may be a hidden strength in the women and encourage it to come out more into full play. If a woman is possibly not playing to her strengths, her manager can help her incorporate more of her natural strengths in “reading emotions,” as per this book. He can offer her opportunities in new situations where relationship management is the key to success.

A promising young division general manager, let’s say Tom, was up for a promotion. However, his promotion was being questioned due to complaints from direct reports and peers who were subject to angry outbursts and hostile emails. There were concerns on the upper levels about his suitability for increased responsibility and visibility, given his problems with anger management.

Unbeknownst to Tom, people were “walking on eggshells” around him, even during times when relationships seemed to be amicable. Even people with whom Tom thought he had good relationships believed they had to be careful around him. On good days, Tom could be a productive, cooperative member of the team – even extremely likable. But, one never knew when that next outburst or biting email would occur.

According to Kerry Patterson, author of Crucial Conversations, “People who blow off anger at work in unhealthy ways are often unaware of exactly how they affect others. They’re also often unaware of how their outbursts are affecting their own reputations.” Even with leaders or coworkers who only occasionally lose their temper, it can quickly become their “defining feature,” how people view them.

Upon becoming aware of this problem through a frank conversation with his boss, Tom sought help from an executive coach and began making progress. However, his road was difficult because people were reluctant to see that his temper problems were decreasing. Tom had to learn to persist with new, more tempered behavior in spite of few compliments. Isn’t that an interesting word, “tempered?” He had to restrain his temper.

Eventually, Tom was able to manage his anger at an acceptable level. His career was not permanently derailed. This good outcome was in part due to some good communication. The boss had struggled with how to approach Tom; and after reflection, he managed to communicate this sensitive issue in a supportive, non-confrontational way that Tom could hear – focused on how it was limiting his ambitions for career success.

The executive coach urged Tom to talk frankly with peers and direct reports to help them understand that he was working on managing his anger better and wanted their help. Tom asked them to speak up when they thought he was out of line. Some did that and their feedback was a great gift to Tom. Being aware, as soon as possible, after a slip enabled Tom to apologize for coming on too strong and to reframe his “forcefulness” into “passion” for the project.

There is a big difference between having an emotion and it “having you.” You can have a feeling or you can be caught up in it. The trick is to have an awareness of the feeling. If we lack self-awareness, we are more susceptible to being caught up in a feeling. Then it runs us instead of us having it.

For example, you can be angry and handle it. Or you can be angry and get caught up in it so that you lose your good judgment and say things you regret later. We say, “He lost his head.” Really, he never had it. He never had the self-awareness that he was getting angry so it escalated to where it got out of control.

We have all had the experience where someone, let’s say Bob, is speaking angrily. Someone replies, “Why are you so angry?” Bob raises his voice and asserts, “Who me, angry? NO WAY! I am just explaining that…” People roll their eyes. When someone lacks self-awareness, they are often the last one to see that they have become caught up in an emotion.

Being caught up in emotions wastes our time and energy and may get us into trouble. Angry outbursts can spoil relationships. It is a major way that leaders get derailed in their careers.

In my public Tele-Workshop, Emotional Intelligence for Leaders and Professionals, I give participants many chances to enhance their self-awareness about their own feelings and awareness of those of others. They can talk about their own case situations and explore how they feel about them. They get in touch with their feelings in the safe environment of our group.

Then I also help them explore how they might express those feelings appropriately. For example, the angry person might try saying, “I am annoyed that you have given me this report late three times in a row.” They put their feeling out there on the table so it is less likely to take them over. They are working with it consciously so they won’t get caught up in it. And it will not likely get out of control.

You may get more information about this Tele-Workshop at http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com/index.htm#bottom/ .

William R. Murray

Emotional intelligence starts with intention. When you start a difficult conversation with someone else, what is your intention? You will be emotionally intelligent when you pause to answer that question before you proceed with the conversation.

For example, let’s say Bob has not followed up on his promise to do a task for you. You realize that time is now short and you need this task done immediately. What is your intention? “Get the task done by Bob!” If that is the case, Bob will sense your intention is solely about your need. He may react negatively with more excuses or delays.

Then, if you have the power, you may react with force. “Bob, get it done or else!” This seems to work. However, you always pay a price with force. Bob may resent your use of force and start looking for ways to retaliate. Or Bob may just become more passive, not taking the initiative in other matters. Coercion breeds resentment and passivity.

People know that using force will make you pay a price. They welcome my new ideas for relationship management. But some come back and say, “It didn’t work.” They tried the approach I taught them, and it didn’t work. When I ask about what happened, they point out that Bob still didn’t do the desired task. Then I ask about their intentions. Usually it turns out that all they cared about was getting Bob to act. And Bob probably sensed that.

I then ask if they might do better if they focused on a different intention, connecting with Bob is such a way as to encourage a win/win outcome? They then remember all the skills I teach about connecting start with having the intention to connect. This intention makes a big difference in emotional intelligence. Then start asking yourself and the other person, “How can we create a win/win here?”

In our example, once you focus on your intention to connect, you might then start with a question such as “What do you need in this situation in order to get the task done?” Bob might reply that he needs to be relieved from the deadline of another project. You both can then jointly create a win/win outcome.

For more information on my Executive Coaching with emotional intelligence, click on the above navigation bar on “Results of Executive Coaching,” and see the section on Emotional Intelligence Results.

One of the biggest blocks to emotional intelligence and effective communication is emotional reactivity. You know how it is, you have all the best of intentions to have a productive communication with somebody and they say the “wrong thing” – the thing that pushes your “hot button”. Often it can be a criticism, or a negative reaction to your “great idea”. In any event, defensiveness arises and communication becomes regrettable. This shuts down any creativity or collaboration that could be possible in this situation.

When this happens, it is because our survival instincts triggered our emotional brain which overrides the more rational part of our brain, causing a “fight or flight” stress response. Reactivity causes us to respond in a more rigid, automatic fashion. We fight for our position or passively retreat from it, often losing sight of our primary goals of creativity and collaboration.

While the negative emotions such as anger and fear reduce the number of behavioral options available, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson , Principal Investigator of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab at the University of North Carolina, finds that positive emotions expand our cognitive and behavioral responses, allowing for a broader view and expanded opportunities.

An emotionally intelligent leader will be aware of these emotional pitfalls and have some strategies to switch into a more positive emotional state quickly. Some ways of doing this are:

• Developing self-awareness of problematic emotional patterns. Looking back on your life, what situations cause anger, fear or judgment to arise?
• Noticing automatic self-talk and feelings that these situations engender, such as “I’m a failure”, or “this person’s out to get me”.
• Finding a more realistic and functional way to reframe it.
• Practice breathing and relaxation exercises to give yourself a moment to move out of the reactive emotional brain into the a wiser part of the brain. See Kathy’s post on Mindfulness.
• Engender a sense of curiosity about where the other person may be coming from and what a more creative way of looking at the situation might be.

Kathleen Murray, an expert on reactivity and positive psychology, will provide more tips on these emotional intelligence subjects. She and Bill provide opportunities for professional growth in these emotional intelligence areas in their Group Executive Coaching Tele-Workshops. For more information, click here: http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com/index.htm#bottom .

When I was an MBA student at the Harvard Business School, professors rewarded strategic thinking. I excelled in strategic thinking and was therefore able to do well even though I was poor in math. In each case we needed to clarify what really mattered to an executive and the company. I could do this exceptionally well by focusing on the big picture. I saw what pieces fit in where and what was needed to complete the puzzle. On tests, I would describe this big picture and then I would say, “If I had time to do all the math, I would expect the numbers to come out this way.” Professors saw that I had grasped the big picture and gave me good grades.

I learned from my classmates that some tried to excel via their math skills. They analyzed all the numbers to death. The problem was that they got lost in the details and time ran out before they solved the puzzle mathematically. They couldn’t see the forest for the trees. They got lower grades because they used the wrong thinking approach. Harvard believed that our business success depended on thinking strategically.

How about you? Can you notice what thinking approach is called for in a given situation? When to turn on your strategic thinking? Once you know it is time to think strategically, I suggest asking yourself two questions:

1. What is the main problem or opportunity facing my company or business unit?
2. What can I envision that will resolve the problem or grasp the opportunity?

In step number 1, you must know what really matters. Keep looking for that until you find it.
In step 2, you must clarify your vision until others can understand it. Then get their input. Spread out the ownership for the vision so that more people buy into it.

This strategic thinking approach can help you succeed while others get lost in the details. For assistance in this, I suggest you try out my Executive Coaching – more information is at the link on the navigation bar above, Executive Coaching Services.

Marshall Goldsmith, renowned executive coach, has a new book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful [Hyperion, 2007]. Marshall synthesizes the 21 “bad habits” that hold leaders back from achieving even further success, including making destructive comments, speaking when angry, negativity, failing to give proper recognition, playing favorites, and not listening.

In addition to outlining the bad habits that hold leaders back from the top, Goldsmith suggests methods to change behaviors and remove the obstacles. For example, seeking feedback, listening to it, and accepting and internalizing it can be extremely helpful, but only if leaders are willing to make four commitments:

1. Let go of the past.
2. Tell the truth.
3. Be supportive and helpful — not cynical or negative.
4. Pick something to improve yourself — so everyone is focused more on “improving” than “judging.”

I can offer you a great way to “Pick something to improve yourself” - get my individual or Group Executive Coaching. I can facilitate your toning down your “bad habits” and learning new ones such as seeking feedback. To explore my Group Executive Coaching, you may have a Complimentary Session. To sign up or get more information, please click here: http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com/index.htm#bottom