When you describe a problem or opportunity, speak very factually at the beginning.  One way to make sure you do this is to talk about what you can see or hear.  You might want to say, “John was very hostile toward me.”  Well, that is actually your conclusion.  Start with what you saw and heard.  “John strode quickly toward me, shook his finger in my face and raised his voice to about twice his normal volume.”  Having stated what you saw and heard literally, you can then move to your conclusion that John was hostile.

This example is so simple that it seems unnecessary to state the facts about what you actually saw and heard.  However, in more complex behaviors, it can be difficult to separate out the facts from your conclusions.  And it becomes far more difficult to coach another person to do this.

One helpful technique is to pretend there was a camera on the wall.  What did it record?  Visual actions and sounds or words.  Talk about these.  Remembering the idea of describing first only what a camera would record, will help you to speak in a manner others can hear.  Then your conversation can proceed toward your goal of solving problems.

If you begin with your conclusion, “John, why are you so hostile?”  John may react defensively, “Who me, I’m not hostile!”  How many times have we all witnessed such a denial?  So ease in first with the facts that a camera would record.

Now it gets harder as you coach others to do the same thing, start with observable facts.  So pull it out of them.  Ask, “What exactly did you observe?”  Keep asking for visible evidence for their conclusions.  What did you see happen?  What exact words did you hear spoken?

Coach them to be specific. Keep asking for specifics such as “When did this happen?  Who else was there?  How often has this happened in the past?”  When they answer vaguely, follow up with more questions to get the specifics.  If they say, “Often,” you ask, “How many times last week?”

In this way you can get off to a good start at clarifying problems.  And you will increase your chances that the other person can join you instead of getting defensive.

You can improve your ability to solve problems through our individual and Group Executive Coaching – performance management is an entire Module (http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com ),

and Self-Study Program (http://www.EagleAlliance.com/services/gec/ssinfo ).

Copyright © 2009, by William R. Murray, President of Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching, LLC.  Reprint rights granted to all venues so long as this article and by-line are printed intact with all links made live.