To be a good listener and build effective work relationships, we need to be curious. When the other person says something we dislike, we tend to judge it as bad or wrong, and concentrate on preparing our arguments to refute them. When we speak in a disagreeing fashion, the other person tends to harden up and rework their points of view with more firmness. This may escalate the conversation into an argument that neither person wins.

I propose that we first just listen with an open mind. Later, we can turn to judge the worthiness of their views. One way to do this is to remind ourselves to stay curious. If you concentrate on staying curious, you will delay your angry, argumentative response. Give the other person time to fully express themselves.

If you are sure that you will disagree, you may want to say something like, “I disagree with you but I do want to hear you out fully.” This alerts them that your good listening is not the same thing as agreeing. People jump to that conclusion. And we fear them doing that so we often avoid listening intently when we know we disagree. It is better to alert them that you disagree as above and continue to listen intently.

If you are preparing for a difficult conversation and you expect to become angry, coach yourself by saying to yourself, “Stay curious,” many times. As you approach the person, calm yourself with some method such as taking 3 deep breaths and with each exhale, say to yourself, “Stay curious.” Then during the conversation, keep saying this silently to yourself to diminish your anger.

For example, I once coached an executive director to talk with individuals on his Board of Directors who he knew wanted him to resign. He expected animosity to arise during the conversations. He needed to find out exactly what he had done to make these Board Members want him to resign. He needed to ask them for specifics so that he could correct his behaviors. I coached him as above to stay curious. He said this to himself as he felt his own anger arising. He was able to stay focused on asking for feedback and stay in the listening mode so that the interviews were productive.

My individual and group executive coaching enhance listening skills. Listening skills is a full Module of 4 sessions in my Virtual Workshop Series, Leadership Communication™.