You can manage conflicts and maximize connection with this 4-step process. Ask yourself the following 4 questions. Then ask the other person(s) some or all of these same questions. This article will concentrate on question no. 2. Other articles have covered 1 and will cover 3 & 4.

1. What are your factual observations?

2. How do you feel?

3. What do you really need or value?

4. What requests do you make?

This article will help you develop self-awareness of your feelings in the midst of conflicts so that you can manage your interactions better. If you have time to prepare for a crucial conversation, notice your feelings about it and the other person(s). Are you angry, anxious, etc.?

If the crucial conversation pops up at you, you may always ask for time to reflect before you talk. This is your right. Take a 5-minute break, take a walk, or reschedule for another time in necessary. The important thing is to take the time you need to pause and reflect so that you are aware of what is going on inside you.

In my Virtual Workshop Series, Leadership Communication™, I offer a long list of feelings for people to use in order to broaden their vocabulary. You need to learn new words for feelings so that you can be more precise in knowing the intensity of your feelings and those of others. For example, if you are angry, how angry? Just a little irritated or furious or something in between?

You need to learn how to name your feelings just as you may once have learned the notes on a musical scale. To learn how to play an instrument, you need to first learn the notes on a scale. You have to play them over and over to get used to how to play each one. Similarly, you need to have a large vocabulary of feelings and be able to identify each as they arise.

This helps you with self-management. If you are furious, you had better take time out as I just advised. If you are just a little irritated, you might just launch into the conversation on the spot. If you are furious, and the situation demands an immediate conversation, it may help to express your anger so that the other person realizes where you are coming from. You can choose when to express your feelings or not – but only if you are actually aware of them.

Most interpersonal blunders occur when people are unaware of their feelings and say or do something out of anger or another intense feeling and later regret it. Avoid this by pausing to become aware of your feelings. Then manage yourself appropriately in those difficult conversations.

If you are skilled in noticing feelings, you may also wish to ask the other person(s) what they are feeling and be able to help them identify the intensity of their feelings. This will also help you both to have a fruitful conversation.

Do you want to get better at this conflict management process? Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching offers you 3 ways at our web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com:

1. Free articles
2. Free book chapter
3. Virtual Workshop Series,Leadership Communication™ has a full Module on this topic.

Call me, Bill Murray, for more information at 919-419-9460.