Conflict Management Process – Observations
By William R. Murray on 06/5/09 in Conflict Transformation & Connecting, Emotional Intelligence | Comments (1)
You can manage conflicts and maximize connection with this 4-step process. Ask yourself the following 4 questions. Then ask the other person(s) some or all of these same questions.
1. What are your factual observations?
2. How do you feel?
3. What do you really need or value?
4. What requests do you make?
This article will concentrate on no. 1. Other articles will cover 2-4.
Start out your reconciliation process by getting clear about what happened. What did you do or say? What did they do or say? Just the facts. What would a camera on the wall have recorded?
Formulate your opening words with an observation about these facts. Avoid any interpretation. For example, if your co-worker was late to your meeting, you might say, “I noticed that you came to our meeting 20 minutes after our announced start time.” Avoid saying anything else such as, “I don’t think you care much for our team.”
By starting out with just the facts, the other person may possibly be able to hear you so that you can have a constructive discussion. If you start with evaluation, blame, criticism, labels, or diagnosis, you may lose them and get a defensive reaction.
Next ask the other person for their observations. “Is that (my observation) correct?” or, “What do you think happened?” Try to come to an agreement about what happened in this situation you want to discuss.
Here is another example. Suppose you have a neighbor who has a barking dog out late at night. What would you say to open the conversation? If you say, “Can’t you be a good neighbor and bring your dog in at night?” You have implied that he/she is not a good neighbor. You are probably off to a bad start. So just start with the facts, “I wish to talk to you about the fact that your dog is often outdoors barking after 10PM.” Hopefully, you neighbor will be willing to engage you in a conversation. Later you can make a request after you establish rapport. The above request for them to be a good neighbor is premature and may not get a good response.
Finally for this step 1, ask them if they are willing to discuss the matter at this time. Get their permission to have a discussion. Do not just barge on in with the matter if it can possibly be postponed if desired. They may ask to postpone and then hopefully, later, they will be in a better frame of mind to discuss the matter with you.
Do you want to get better at this conflict management process? Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching offers you 3 ways at our web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com:
1. Free articles
2. Free book chapter
3. Virtual Workshop Series,Leadership Communication™ has a full Module on this topic.
Call me, Bill Murray, for more information at 919-419-9460.
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William R. Murray (Bill), Harvard MBA, Yale M.Div., Master Certified Coach since 1999. 
Sometimes engaging the other person in conversation may not be the best solution. Here is a personal and painful example.
After years of enduring a passive-aggressive “friend” and colleague whom I did not recognize was bullying me. I finally came to my senses…but could not have done it without observations and advice from friends, most of whom had seen us interact. This woman was, I thought, a close friend. Meanwhile, she consistently painted her situation as pitiful, and her situation has come to be exactly that. However, had she followed my advice (and that of others who were drawn into her web), she would not be suffering the problems she is now experiencing. She made work commitments to me that she did not fulfill. I gave her much more money and goods than her work merited. …All this because she is very smart and can perform incredibly well under the “right” circumstances and because I felt sorry for her.
I’ve thought a lot about my own motives. Although there have been times in the past when I hired people who were needy under terms that led me to think i was getting a bargain, these arrangements never worked out; I came to realize that the cost to me was unacceptably high. Either these people did not deliver or else I experienced so much angst in working with them that the price was too high. I stopped hiring people like that years ago.
I think this case is different, but perhaps I’m wrong. In any case, I came to my senses initially when a friend observed that people who are constantly after more of my money are almost never worth it and that this woman appeared to be destroying my serenity. How true! Subsequently, I told others who had seen me interact with this woman, and suddenly their observations of her manipulation of me poured forth. I don’t know why they didn’t mention that before and will try to find out.
Meanwhile, I no longer have to work or otherwise interact with this bully, who has proved herself no friend of mine. I hope that I’ll recognize earlier and better in the future when someone is bullying me. I think that may be particularly difficult when the person poses as a friend and uses passive-aggressive and withholding behavior.
I would welcome any feedback on what I’ve written here. I think that the most important lesson is to avoid people who destroy one’s feelings of well-being or serenity.
January 30th, 2010