How to Have Empathy
By William R. Murray on 05/2/09 in Emotional Intelligence, Relationship Management | Comments (3)
How do you have empathy? In many cases it comes naturally. In others it helps to take some conscious steps to promote your empathy for others. You need to make it your intention in these cases. Be clear as you face a situation that you want to have empathy for the other person, even if you disagree with them.
Empathy does not necessarily mean agreement. You might want to say that up front. For example, you could say, “I don’t expect I shall agree with your position. However, I do want to hear you out and understand you fully.” This prepares the other person for the likely outcome. If you do not do this, some people may mistake your good listening for agreement with them.
Once you are clear that you intend to have empathy, you consciously try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What does it look like and feel like from their point of view? Even more importantly, what values do they embrace? What is important to them? That is the bull’s eye, the crucial item for you to understand and have empathy for.
Asking yourself these questions will put you on the right track. You are living out your intention to have empathy when you focus your mind on answering these questions. This also helps you be a better listener. Your mind has lots of extra horse power when you are listening because your mind can work much faster than the other person can speak. Your mind can process 1000 words per minute, but people only speak about 180 words per minute. What to do with that extra horse power or brain power? Harness it to reflect on the above questions. This helps your avoid daydreaming that distracts you from listening.
It helps to temporarily suspend your judgment about their thinking, their positions. You do not need to have empathy about their positions as long as you are seeking to have empathy for their feelings and values. Expressing your judgments about their thinking can come later. Postponing this is a radical new skill for most people. Most people jump right in to argue over positions and try to change the other person’s views. Hold off on that until you first achieve empathy.
You can ask yourself the above questions before you enter a crucial conversation. This prepares you to have empathy when you are with the person or on the phone. Don’t try to have crucial conversations via email. Then during the conversation, ask the person questions to help them express their feelings and values. When they do, express your empathy.
Expressing empathy will help you both become more resourceful in resolving your differences.
My Virtual Workshop Series, Emotional Intelligence for Resilient Leaders and Professionals, trains participants to improve their ability to have empathy. For information, call me, Bill Murray, at 919-419-9460, or contact me via my web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com , “Contact Us.”
Email This | Tag This | Digg This | Add to Reddit | Add to Technorati Faves
William R. Murray (Bill), Harvard MBA, Yale M.Div., Master Certified Coach since 1999. 
Empathy seems to be a challenge. In all the ECI assessments that I have administered the pattern is that people think they are more empathetic than others perceive them to be.
I work with an INTP who has learned to employ techniques such as you suggested to increase people’s perception of her in this area. In particular, the way you suggest framing the interaction in a realistic yet open approach is a great idea. Then people feel heard and yet the response is authentic.
July 23rd, 2009
Bill, I really like the way you’ve framed empathy here. My only caution, as usual, is to caution people that, while they may be able to engender in themselves empathy for others, the same is not always true of others.
Sandy McMullen’s comment, above, seems to me to have missed something that you might clear up in another article. The goal about which I think you’re writing is to learn to empathize with others. Inducing empathy on the part of others’ for oneself is an entirely different proposition. Those whose empathy we might desire may be unable or unwilling to generate it for a host of reasons that we may never know.
It’s so important not to interpret another’s failure to empathize with us as a failure on our part, In most cases, we simply do not know why that person does not or cannot empathize with us. We must be very careful not to interpret another’s failure to empathize with us as indicative of any failure or inadequacy on our own part, at least until we have evidence to the contrary.
Recognizing and keeping intact the boundary between our own feelings and those of others is vital to our own mental well-being, as well as that of others with whom we associate.
January 9th, 2010
Thank you very much, Sir.It is highly useful and practical to me.Hope that I will try my best to make use of the essence for meaningful changes.
March 27th, 2010