Empathy is a Crucial Part of Emotional Intelligence
By William R. Murray on 04/25/09 in Emotional Intelligence, HBS = Harvard Business School, Leadership, Relationship Management | Comments (2)
Having empathy is a crucial part of being emotionally intelligent and building good relationships. I define empathy as the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. That means being present with them. Marshall Rosenberg in one of my favorite books, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, p. 91, defines empathy as, “Respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”
Just as self-awareness is the foundation for good self-management, so also empathy is the foundation for good relationship management. Danielle Goleman uses the term social awareness more often than empathy in order to emphasize the need for awareness.
And what do we need to be aware of? Goleman gives many answers. In his book, Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, he recommends that leaders be aware of other people’s emotions that result from their leadership. Does their leadership cause dissonant feelings or resonant feelings to arise? Resonance will lead to success in motivating people.
As an aside, let me point out that this book was published by my alma mater, Harvard Business School, which points to the importance they put on emotional intelligence for leaders.
Let me offer a simple way to read others’ emotions. In a prior article, I mentioned a target with something different in each ring to pay attention to. In the outer 2 rings are Doing and Thinking. This is what we normally pay attention to, what people are doing and how we think about that. The next ring in is Feelings. Learning how to notice others’ feelings is a key skill. The bull’s-eye is Needs and Values. Learning how to recognize what others need and value is the top skill for having empathy.
It takes a lot of training and practice for most people to get emotionally intelligent at recognizing others’ feelings, needs, and values. This is not something most people have learned anywhere. My Virtual Workshop Series, Emotional Intelligence for Resilient Leaders and Professionals, trains participants to improve these skills in a thorough manner with constant practicing. For information, call me, Bill Murray, at 919-419-9460, or contact me via my web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com, “Contact Us.”
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William R. Murray (Bill), Harvard MBA, Yale M.Div., Master Certified Coach since 1999. 
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own emotions and those of people around you. Emotional intelligence is sometimes referred to as emotional quotient or emotional literacy. Individuals with emotion intelligence are able to relate to others with compassion and empathy, have well-developed social skills and use this emotional awareness to direct their actions and behaviour.
June 16th, 2009
Bill, it might be worthwhile to caution people that sociopaths are incapable of empathy. Therefore, if you encounter someone who seems simply incapable of putting himself in another’s shoes, be on the alert. Of course, this is only one of the signs of sociopathy, and anyone who thinks he has encountered a sociopath might do a bit of research on the signs and habits of sociopaths. You, Bill, might consider doing a piece on how to “manage” sociopaths when you encounter them. One thing for sure: It ain’t easy. The big question, I think, is when it is worthwhile to try to do so as opposed to removing them from your environment.
January 2nd, 2010