Part of emotional intelligence is the ability to connect with others. You need to make this a conscious intention for important relationships and focus on this intention before you start a crucial conversation.

Just being focused on this intention will tend to make you better at connecting. You are paying more attention to this goal, so strategies for doing it well tend to arise. Then be mindful of what works. Note that and you have just learned something on your own with only experience as your tutor. Hold on tight to that intention to connect and you will gradually improve your skills at connecting.

The purpose of my Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™ is to assist you in improving your skills at connecting. This will help you succeed at work and have more intimacy at home.

One skill I train participants in is to connect to others via needs and values. You can picture this by drawing two target bulls-eyes side by side. A copy of this is in the Participant Workbook. In the center of each write Needs/Values. In the next ring out of each, write Feelings. In the next ring out of each, write Thinking. In the next ring out of each, write Doing. Lastly draw a line between the center bulls-eye of each target to the other center. You now have an illustration of the best way to connect.

The best way is to talk about your own needs and values and ask the other person about theirs. You talk about the important things for you both in a specific situation. If you encourage this conversation about what really matters to each of you, you will connect better.

Now think about how we normally approach a crucial conversation where different opinions exist and people might get emotional. We talk about what people are doing and how we evaluate that with our thinking. In terms of our illustration above, we are talking about the two outer rings only. Thinking about what people are doing is often expressed judgmentally. Feelings may be expressed by non-verbal behaviors as a raised voice or a clinched fist, but rarely put into words. Needs and values are rarely discussed openly.

How well has this approach worked for you? Sometimes you can prevail by force of your arguments based on your evaluations. Often however, the other person drags their feet on implementing your agreement. Sometimes you cannot agree at all. Rational thinking does not always motivate others.

Now try connecting by focusing on needs and values. Say, “This is what really matters to me in this situation…” Then ask, “What really matters to you?” Discuss your differences with respect. Aim for a win/win solution. You may be surprised at how much better this “heart to heart” connecting approach works.

People say, “You can’t do this connecting approach in an adversarial relationship.” I reply, “Yes, you can.” People skilled at this approach use it all the time to resolve conflicts. However, do use caution. Do not make yourself too vulnerable. Just stick to your intention to connect, talk about what really matters, and let your resourcefulness arise. Watch out. Better decisions and solutions are on the way.