When you choose to be assertive, you can do it with commands, demands, or requests.

For a command to be effective, you need to have authority. You need to be an authority figure such as a parent or a boss or a representative of one. Military officers learn how to issue commands regularly. But experience often teaches them to ask for input. What do others think? Would it be a good idea to do such and such? I have read that this asking for input is much more common in combat. It just works better than straight commanding.

At work, we commonly make demands. For example, we say, “Please have your report done by Friday.” If the person does not do it, there will be penalties. At the very least we may get mad at them. It is best to avoid demands except for important situations.

Finally, when possible, it works best to make requests such as, “Please have your report done by Friday.” “Wait a minute,” you say. “That is the same sentence as above for demands.” Right. You cannot always tell a demand from a request until the person fails to do it. If it was a request, you do not get mad at them. It was a bit optional. You would prefer that they did it, but you will be OK if they do not.

So why use requests at all? Because you have a much better chance of others complying with your request with some enthusiasm. If others sense that you are making a demand, they may drag their feet and getting it done. They have so many other priorities, you know. You want to assert yourself and get a task done. But you need others to join in with enthusiasm and commitment. Make a request.

Also, if you overdo commands and demands, some people may become passive with you. They obey but not with creativity. You get their hands but not their minds. And with other people, continued coercion may breed contempt for you. These people may seek ways to undermine you.

Even if you have the necessary authority, consider using fewer commands and demands and use more requests. This will improve your results and others respond better with more enthusiasm and commitment.

You can learn about assertiveness in our Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™, which has an entire Module on Assertiveness.