In a prior article, I described reasons to use a request rather than a demand or command when possible. In short, people are more likely to carry out a request rather than drag their feet and they are more likely to respond with some enthusiasm.

So if you decide to use a request format to assert yourself, do it with a light touch such as “Would you be willing to…” “Might you be able to…” The light touch suggests that you can live with a “No” answer. You would prefer a “Yes,” but you don’t want to force the issue.

In this type of situation, you can invite others to join with you in setting up and implementing the task you are requesting. You ask for their input and creativity.

Also, make your request in positive language, not negative. For example, “George, would you be willing to get your report done by Friday?” A negative formulation to avoid would be, “George, stop turning in your report late!” Negative formulation puts people on the defensive. You are trying to recruit their best efforts with positive language.

I once experienced a big example of negative language when my boss said to me, “Bill, you are not a team player!” I responded with anger. He knew full well that my time was taken by his boss who had put me on a special project dealing with VPs. I suspected my boss was just jealous. I finally asked him for positive language, “What exactly do you want me to do?” My boss responded that I just needed to do a little bit of my regular job of leading a few workshops on leadership and communication skills to managers. His positive language was fine with me so I readily agreed with his request.

This story also shows a final aspect of a good request, being specific and clear. “Not a team player,” is vague and not clear. “Lead a few workshops,” is specific and clear.
The other person should know exactly what to do in order to comply with your request.

These guidelines for requests apply to our talking to ourselves too. For example, if you want to lose weight, make positive, specific and clear requests to yourself. Do not say to yourself, “Stop eating sweets!” in a self-scolding manner. Rather, make a request of yourself, “Eat more fruits for snacks.” Diet experts say this positive approach works better.

Want to improve your ability to make good requests when you assert yourself? Explore our individual or group Executive Coaching. Our Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™ has a full Module on Assertiveness. For more information call me, Bill Murray, at 919-419-9460 or visit our web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com .