Would you like a little guide as to when you are being assertive? One way is to monitor your own feelings and desired emotional payoffs.

Assertive:
When you are being assertive, you usually feel confident and good about yourself. Often you are aware of your own feelings and also aware of what is important to you.

Avoiding:
When you are avoiding confrontations, you usually feel anxious, hurt, disappointed or resentful. You are afraid that negative outcomes will result if you assert yourself.

Aggressive:
When you are being aggressive, you usually feel self-righteous, controlling, and superior. You are enjoying getting your own way.

I have written in other articles how each of these three approaches has different outcomes. Avoiding and aggressive behavior rarely pay off objectively in the long run. However, from an emotional perspective, each approach does have a sort of payoff.

Assertive emotional payoff:
You develop healthy relationships that you enjoy and are productive. You consciously make choices about what is important and how to get it. You feel self-confident. You notice that others tend to respect you.

Avoiding emotional payoff:
You avoid unpleasantness, conflicts, tensions, and confrontations. This is a short-term gain that usually does not last. The conflicts come back to haunt you. You are able to avoid taking responsibility for situations. This seems easier than other alternatives.

Aggressive emotional payoff:
You are able to vent some anger. You enjoy being in control. You feel superior. This too is a short-term payoff because many people dislike being controlled and look for ways to subvert you.

The trick is to be self-aware so that you can recognize how you are feeling now and what emotional payoffs seem attractive to you. Then you can see if you are being assertive if you wish to be. For example, if you notice that fear is your dominant feeling, then you are probably going to avoid something. Or if you notice that you feel angry or superior, you may be tempted to act in an aggressive manner. If you notice that you are feeling good about yourself, aware of your feelings and making conscious choices, chances are that you can be assertive.

Being assertive will have the most probable good outcome of the three approaches. While you may temporarily like the emotional payoffs of avoiding or aggressiveness, the only lasting good outcome is usually from asserting yourself.

Want to improve your own assertiveness skills? Explore our individual or group Executive Coaching. Our Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™ has a full Module on Assertiveness. For more information call me, Bill Murray, at 919-419-9460 or visit our web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com .