To improve our appropriate assertiveness skills, we need to be aware of 3 types of behaviors on a continuum: Avoiding, assertive, and aggressive.

We usually need to behave in the middle range with assertive behaviors. However, in some situations it may be wise to avoid things. And on very rare occasions we might want to choose to be aggressive. The trick is to be able to choose. Most of the behaviors we later on regret, resulted from impulsive actions.

Our goal should be to have the awareness of choices and usually choose assertiveness. Now let’s look at the common goals people have for each type of behavior.

Avoiding:
Goal is to please others and be liked. You hope someone will guess what you want.

Assertive:
Goal is to get what you really want and value. Also to respect other’s wishes. And to strive for a win/win outcome. When you add this last item, you seek to collaborate versus just be victorious.

Aggressive:
Goal is to dominate, get your own way, be in charge.

When might you choose each of these types of behaviors?

Avoiding:
We often choose to avoid simply because it does not seem worth the effort to assert. We weigh payoffs and decide that it is easier or safer to keep quiet. For example, when your boss says something dumb, do you want to correct him? Maybe, if it impacts strongly on your work. But probably not, if it is about someone else’s project.

Even with our friends, we usually avoid confronting them with unpleasant facts about them because we want to be liked. Why risk that your friend may get his/her feelings hurt?

Some people are really passive and rarely speak up on their own behalf. Often their parents or other authority figures have trained them to be passive. Again, in this case they are not really choosing among the 3 types of behaviors. They miss opportunities to get what they really want.

Aggressive:
On the opposite side of the continuum, some aggressive people consistently act aggressively and are not choosing among the 3 types of behaviors. They miss opportunities to encourage engagement by others.

Assertive:
When you have flexibility and can consciously choose to be assertive in appropriate situations, you stand the best chance of getting what you really want. If you know what is important to you, you can choose to stand up for it in a self-confident manner. Usually, others will respect you for this.

Want to improve your own assertiveness skills? Explore our individual or group Executive Coaching. Our Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™ has a full Module on Assertiveness. For more information call me, Bill Murray, at 919-419-9460 or visit our web site, http://www.EagleAlliance.com .