To improve dialogue, when you are speaking, pause often to ask for feedback. This will allow you to see how your listener perceives what you say. Perhaps the listener has mixed up some of your content or has not picked up on your emphasis. You will never know this unless you get the listener to talk about what they are receiving from you.

This is analogous to a space shuttle giving and receiving feedback about its course with the land-based mission control station. The space shuttle emits radio signals that are picked up by mission control. Mission control computers calculate where the space shuttle is and compare that to its approved course. The shuttle is almost always off course a little. It veers back and forth. Mission control radios back a course correction which the space shuttle immediately puts into action.

We need to get feedback for the same reason as the space shuttle, to find out if we are off course. Or you might say, to find out if the listener is off course. Then we can make a course correction. After hearing feedback, we might say, “You got X right but what I was trying to say about Y is …” We can correct their misperceptions. Sometimes we may realize that we are miscommunicating. We accidentally gave a false impression. Now we can correct that:” Oh, I didn’t mean to say that. I should have used a different word such as …”

Here is a guideline to help you remember to seek feedback. Whenever you make a strong assertion, follow it with a question.

As part of your effort to increase your emotional intelligence, start to notice more often when you are making assertions. Notice when you feel strongly about something, when it is important to you. Grow your self-awareness. Then when you talk about it, stop soon. Ask a question.

You may ask, “Having heard me say this, what comes up for you?” This question will seldom put anyone on the defensive. It allows them to move as they wish in answering you. I suggest you memorize this question and use it often.

Participants of my Web-conferencing Virtual-Workshop series, Leadership Communication™, have said months later after learning this question, that it has stuck with them and proved very helpful in getting feedback. Why not consider joining our ongoing Virtual-Workshop series so that you can learn and practice skills like seeking feedback? For more information, see www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com , or call me, Bill Murray at 919-419-9460, or email me via the above link, “Contact Us.”