In work relationships, it is crucial that people trust you. Sometimes it is hard to build trust with someone who has a prior history that makes them afraid to trust you.

For example, the CEO of a company once assigned me to give executive coaching to a VP of the company. I sat down with the VP privately and explained how I did executive coaching. He responded that he had received executive coaching with his prior company also at the request of the CEO.

The executive coach had told him that everything was confidential. He had trusted that coach and eventually made some critical remarks about the CEO. Later, he discovered that the executive coach had passed on those critical remarks to the CEO. He never trusted that coach again. And now he said he would probably never trust me.

Of course, it was very difficult for me to build a trusting relationship with this VP. Slowly he came to believe that I did have his best interests in mind and that I did keep our conversations confidential. When he ventured to say something confidential, it never brought him harm. My ability to be present and have empathy with him drew him into our relationship and grew his trust. In addition, I was honest, straightforward, and open with him.

These are the things that build trust. Even with doubting people, we can slowly build their trust if we are trustworthy. Unfortunately, in the world of management, we are tempted to put a spin on things rather than being entirely straightforward. Then when our spin is discovered, people lose trust in us.

Especially with people like this VP, who have a prior history of losing trust, they will become cynical at the first sign of our not being trustworthy. A little white lie now and then may be OK with some people, but not with these ones.

Of course, the essential way to build trust is to do what we say we will do. Keeping our promises assures people that they can trust us. This is different than just being nice or likable.

In a company I once worked for, a VP was extremely likable. He asked me to serve on a cross-functional task force and I felt honored and glad to join him on it. However, I discovered to my dismay that the people already on the task force bad mouthed the VP behind his back. They said he would promise them to get them financial resources that they needed.

Then when he asked for that at an executive group meeting, other executives would challenge him, saying they thought this money would do more good elsewhere. Then he would back down. But he would not admit that to the task force. Instead he kept telling them he was working on it. When a task force member found out the truth, they all lost trust in the VP. They nicknamed him after a popular song, “Promises, Promises.” We all continued to enjoy this VP because he was so likable, but we did not trust him to keep his promises.

My Executive Coaching can help you build trust. We can get feedback on how much people already trust you and why or why not. We can ask for suggestions on how you can do things better in the future. Talking over things with your coach before you act can help you resist the spins and white lies and to be careful about making and keeping your promises. We can also work on building your emotional intelligence so that you can be more present and have greater empathy which builds trust.