How can we regain our focus once we have lost it?

The problem in some stressful situations is that our amygdala, a primitive part of the brain, hijacks the reasoning part of the brain and throws us into a fight or flight response. In the office this usually means being overly aggressive or withdrawing. We say a person has lost his head or that he is overly passive.

Now what can we do about this? First we can learn ways to slow down our reactivity so that the amygdala gets fired up and takes over less often. Unfortunately, in the modern office with layoffs and other stress, we are going in the opposite direction. More and more people enter a difficult conversation already stressed out from other situations. They are operating with a hair trigger on their emotions.

That is why emotional intelligence is becoming an important goal of executive coaching and training programs like ours. One thing we all need is enough time in our lives when we are calm and relaxed. You can add to this by practicing some form of meditation. This raises your threshold to stress so that you can stand more stress without going into a stress reaction of fight or flight.

Another way to lower your reactivity is to start journaling, psychotherapy, support groups, coaching or some other way of noticing more often what is going on inside of you. The goal is to notice sooner when you are just starting to get upset about something. Then if you ponder your feelings of upset such as annoyance, you catch yourself before you lose it.

Most people who blow their top often, do not notice the earlier feelings of annoyance before they lose their temper. If you call them on it, and ask, “Why are you so mad?” They may answer, “Who me, mad?” You can see it in their flushed face or clenched fists, but they are unaware of their anger.

Gandhi said that he had learned through his spiritual practices never to hate anyone. He was at a very advanced level of emotional intelligence. We can join him on the path of emotional intelligence, learning how to stay calm and centered.

However, until we reach advanced levels of emotional intelligence like Gandhi, we will have times when we lose it. We will then tend to say angry things or withdraw. Neither option will serve us well in the office or the home. Then we need recovery techniques. Stress management and emotional intelligence books offer some help. You may get my book chapter, “Emotional Intelligence for Resilience,” for free on the home page of my web site.