Once we know what we really want in a given situation, the trick is to keep our focus when we encounter difficulties. If our goal is difficult and complex, we will encounter difficulties and need to handle them through crucial conversations. If we don’t handle them well, they may throw us off track so that we lose our focus.

For example, let’s say Bob is a key team member on a project you are managing. You think he has taken an action that leads in a non-productive direction. You decide to talk with him about it to understand him better and maybe persuade him.

You tell Bob what is wrong with his action. Bob responds that your remarks are off target. He says that you really don’t understand the situation. He may just quit your project because he does not want to work with someone who is so short on understanding.

This was an unexpected difficulty. What if Bob’s accusations make you lose it and you respond with a judgmental remark? Normally, you are able to keep calm. But this time, imagine that you lose it. You accuse him of not pulling his weight on this project and just wanting to take his action as a lazy way out.

Now what will happen? Escalation, right? Both of you will likely get angrier and more defensive. Most likely, you have lost your original focus on goals of gaining understanding and persuading Bob. Now you just want to prove that you are right and he is wrong. The new focus takes over. Your mind comes up with more reasons you are right and you tell Bob with more emphasis, a stronger tone of voice. And he does the same back to you.

This is leading to a no win outcome. How can you get back to a productive conversation?

First, you have to notice that you have lost your focus. This is a key skill of emotional intelligence, noticing what is going on inside of you. You have to notice that you have become angry and defensive. Physical symptoms can tell you this. Are your fists clenched or your teeth? I shall describe physical symptoms more in another Tip.

Then you have to remind yourself of your original goal, what you really wanted in this situation. Just ask yourself that question again, “What do I really want here?” Asking the question will calm you down and get you more rational.

Take time out if necessary and come back to the conversation later. Make sure that you are centered this time and keep reminding yourself about what you really want. Then talk with Bob about his actions and your proposed actions in a manner he can hear – more about that later.

These and other techniques can help you keep your focus. Learn more about these in my Virtual-Workshop, Leadership Communication™, described at http://www.EmotionallyIntelligentLeadership.com – scroll down.