Knowing “What Really Matters” is part of emotional intelligence. It is important to always know what really matters to us. We need to know this in a broad general sense and be conscious of this. It’s best to write this out in a personal mission statement. I have assisted over 100 people to write one. Then we need to know what really matters to us in every particular situation.

We would be more effective if we could remind ourselves of this question of what really matters many times a day. Usually we forget and go on automatic pilot. Things take over and motivate us that are not our deepest value. They are not what really matters. They are just something that matters at a surface level. So it is important for us to get down deep into our core values and know what really matters at a deeper level.

Story – an example:
I was once working for a giant corporation as a project manager in the management development department. The head of that department asked me to be on a special project. He skipped over my own boss who reported to him and dealt with me directly on this project. I became a project manager over a project team of a dozen. All the members on that team out ranked me. They were vice presidents and department heads.

Our objective was to determine if our large company should start using computers for training purposes. It was an important decision to decide yes or no, and also, to decide on how to implement this if we decided to go a head. We had two thousand locations and two hundred thousand employees and so it was important to allocate computers as a resource in a cost efficient way. On this big project, I spent about a year coming up to the recommendation that we start to employ computers, and that recommendation was immediately followed by senior management.

However during that year I accidentally got on the wrong side of my own boss. He was miffed that I was heading up this prestigious project and he had nothing to do with it. Secondly, he got miffed that I was neglecting my regular duties of leading workshops on leadership and communication for managers. I wasn’t doing my fair share of those which was obvious to everyone, but it also seemed obvious to me that this project had to take priority.

What really mattered to me at that moment? I would like to answer that question on four levels, doing, feeling, thinking, and values.

On the level of doing , what was really important to me was that I act as a project manager in a way that made this project efficient and effective, serving the company well with our time and money. On the project we were traveling all over the nation and interviewing people about how they might use computers for training.

On the level of thinking, I was thinking that it was a wonderful opportunity for my career. It put me in front of a lot of important people that I normally didn’t see. And I was good at project management so this would be a feather in my cap and help my career. I was also thinking this was really something that the company needs to start doing so I wanted to create a good study to support making this move.

On the level of feelings, I was proud to have this assignment. I was very happy for it. I was very enthusiastic and committed. That’s what really mattered to me in the world of feelings.

Then finally on the level of values, what were my core values operating at this time? You can probably deduce this from what I have already said. One core value was to serve the company and get something done that would make it more effective in the world of management training. Another value was to advance my own career. And it was important to me to be competent and effective as a project manager. It was also important to me to have good relationships with my department head, who put me on this project, and my project team, and all of the people we were interviewing.

The story goes forward and something changed. My immediate boss got mad at me so I had to confront him. I asked, “What’s wrong?”
He said “You are neglecting your duties around here and I want you to do more of those workshops on leadership and communication skills like you use to do.”
I said, “You know I am on this special project and it is taking priority.” That was the end of the meeting. My boss grew angrier as time went on.

So with this happening, what really mattered to me? All the same things as before really mattered to me, and one additional one – keeping a good relationship with my boss, which rose up as a value.

On the level of thinking, my thinking at this time was that the department head should be running interference for me. He should be clearing the way with my boss, and he was apparently not doing that. This was something these two should be taking care of. But they are not.

On the level of feeling, I was annoyed at both of them for leaving me in the lurch and letting me get dumped on by my boss.

I needed to somehow resolve this conflict with my boss. The new value that arose was to restore harmony with my boss. That became what really mattered most. Therefore, I called another meeting with my boss and we talked more this time. I was smart enough to ask, “What would make you happy? You know I have this special project. You know I can’t go back to the old ways, when I had lots of time for workshops. What exactly do you want from me?

He said, “Well, Bill, if you just lead maybe two workshops a month so you – at least show up so the other people aren’t complaining about what happened to you. Have at least a token presence in front in the leadership training department – that would do it.”

Level of doing: I said, “Good – you got it! Your request is fulfilled as of now. Give me a couple of days to lead workshops next month.” I was glad to give him some time as a way of resolving this conflict and satisfying my value of harmony with my boss.

You can see from this story how important it is to keep monitoring what really matters because this changes when circumstances change. Knowing what really matters can guide our lives in a satisfying way that is in harmony with our deeper values. And we will have fewer reactive knee jerk type actions.

A knee jerk type reaction back then might have been for me to go to the department head and complain about my boss. It might have worked in the sense that my boss may have gotten off my back. But he was the kind of guy that would not have forgiven me for going over his head to complain to his boss. Therefore, that strategy would have sabotaged my desire for harmony in my relationship with my boss.

In some situations you may have to go above your boss and complain. But in this situation, fortunately, I didn’t. I was paying attention to my value of harmony with my boss. It might have been different if I had believed, on the other hand, that I really couldn’t take time for leading workshops because I needed to spend all my time on the project. If that was my top value to simply succeed at this project, then I might have gone to the department head. I would have asked him to run interference with my boss and iron things out.

You can see how important it is to know what really matters to you in each situation and let this guide your actions. That way your actions are in concert with your values. You then feel an inner harmony that motivates you and makes you committed to your goals based on your values. And commitment leads to success and resilience.

Would you like assistance in staying tuned in to what really matters for you and making good decisions based on that? Please consider exploring my Executive Coaching for individuals and small groups.